


Love is a natural booze

by ForMinYoongi



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-19
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-10-09 15:40:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17409629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ForMinYoongi/pseuds/ForMinYoongi
Summary: Wonwoo isn't ready for commitment, Mingyu is.





	1. It's not like I'm gonna tell him that

The people around me are always like this. Some chill, others completely out of their minds. And I am always drunk. I don’t even know why anymore, it’s not that I love the dry taste of alcohol or the numbness effect you get from it, and it isn’t a habit. I just can’t get myself to enjoy life, so maybe it’s a suicide in slow-motion in front of my friends’ eyes. Maybe it’s an escape where I’m not entirely to blame. Maybe I’m just as out of my mind and refuse to admit it. And that’s how it is. 

The clock ticks every second, but the beat seems off because somehow every second goes slower and slower until I find out it’s not even five pm yet. The dorm, that can’t even really be called a dorm since we live thirteen people in here, is a mess with clothes laying on every surface except for a corner of two beds. The beds that are always clean, yet only one of the beds’ owners tidy. Their clothes are folded in neat piles laying at the foot-end, the covers tucked under the mattress and the pillows wrinkleless. But both pillows are in one bed. The other is barely touched, and he claims it’s because it was too cold in his own bed, but now he doesn’t even check if it’s warm anymore. 

And I do like having him in my bed, and he’s not the reason I'm drunk every night, if anything I'd stop for him, but I can’t help but feel like he’s useless when even he can’t make me happy. I mean he does make me smile, and I feel protected when he’s there even though he is the clumsiest person I've met, but I only feel good in the moment, and when he’s not there it’s not like I feel worse than usual, just a little less smiley. 

And even in the blur I am in now he looks good. Tall frame, messy, brown hair and upset eyes. “Please everyone, if I’m making dinner again you at least got to put your clothes in the freaking laundry basket.” Mingyu’s voice was always my favorite, which you may find weird considering I have music-majors like Seungkwan and Seokmin in the house. It may just be because he is my favorite, but it’s not like I’m going to tell him that. 

I get up from where I am sitting on the black, deformed couch, almost losing balance even though I only had a glass or three of wine so far. I slowly step forward towards the kitchen, past Soonyoung and Seungkwan having an impersonation-battle, and Seungcheol and Jeonghan nagging each other about various stupid things the other has done throughout the week, and in through the doorway. The kitchen is also clean, which makes only makes sense when Mingyu is the one cooking people’s meals and he wouldn’t touch a sticky surface or work in an unorganized spaceeven if he had a gun pointed to him. I open the refrigerator only to find out no one has gone grocery shopping and there is only food you need to prepare to eat. I let out a sound that is a mix of a sigh and a whine. 

“I said I was gonna cook, did you even catch it or are you already pissed?” Mingyu had come into the kitchen and sounds like he started cutting something. He sounds kind of annoyed but also a little empathetic. I take out a box of leftover teokbokki that was hidden under a pack of tortillas. I close the fridge and head over to the microwave. “Wonwoo? Are you mad at me or something?” Mingyu asks. It’s not the first time, and he doesn’t sound sad like he did the first time he misunderstood my inability to care for being mad at him. “No, just hungry. And boozed. And I heard you, but you told me you were making dumplings, which takes a heck of a long time to make for thirteen guys, but you can save me some.” I say while turning around to slightly smile at him, but more to stare at his arms where his sleeves are pulled up to not get food on them. “I will, and that teokbokki is great so I don’t blame you” 

 

 

He’s awfully understanding actually. He doesn’t get mad at me, like ever, even when he should. And I kind of feel bad that I don’t treat him the same way, but I never made him treat me like that, so it’s not really my fault. It’s not that we’re a couple. It’s not that serious, although I’m not seeing anyone else. And now that I think about it, he did get mad at me once. He went out with a girl in his class. He made it very clear that he was and even told me stupid details afterwards, but when I didn’t react the way he wanted me to he got mad. “What even are we if you don’t even care if I date other people” and other bullshit. It’s not that I wasn’t furious. It’s not that I didn't drink more that night than I had all year, but I couldn’t show him it, cause then he’d get all attached. And I'd get all this responsibility of his feelings and I can’t do that. I have too much on my own. 

So, we came to an agreement, or I came to an agreement, that we are a thing. A thing in which we care for each other and want to make each other happy, but don’t go on dates or hold hands unless we’re alone. We kiss, and i guess we’re close, but it’s nobody else’s business but our own and so we keep it casual when others are around. At first Mingyu thought it was too rare, so now we go to places alone, but it’s not dates, just hangouts with skinship and deep conversations we’re not allowed to tell anyone else about. 

Beep. Food’s ready. My stare switches to the microwave and I take out the steamy container with teokbokki and find a pair of chopsticks. I take it over to the counter island thing where Mingyu is standing and start slowly eating my food. “I found this new café down by Han river with low prices and strong coffee we could try after school sometime. I understand if it’s tiring right after school, but I figured since it’s caffeine you would feel more awake and we could push in some time for ourselves next week.” Mingyu said putting chopped-up chili and onion into a bowl. “What’s wrong with night walks like we do now? I even walk with you to school.” I answer confused. It’s not that it’s a bad idea, but how would it be ‘time for ourselves’ if there were a bunch of people around us that we might even know? “There’s nothing wrong with it, but I’m working night shifts all week and we won’t be able to do it.” Mingyu says like I should’ve remembered. But yeah, he did tell me. “Unless you wanna come there and keep me company.” Mingyu continues, looking at me with his teasing puppy eyes. I put down my chopsticks and take a sip out of Mingyu’s water glass that he was holding in his hand. “I’d rather do that, you barely have any customers anyway. Your store sucks.” I tease back. 

Mingyu seems surprised. He knows I don’t like people, and even though I spend all time I can away from the dorm I can’t handle a café on the most popular hangout spot in Seoul. And his job is just at a convenience store in some backstreet where like twenty customers come in daytime and ten at night. “You wanna keep me company? I thought you’d just say we didn’t have to meet this week or that we live together and will see each other anyway.” He knows me well, and if It was anyone else I would say that, but it’s not. There's no one else I want to see, and if I can’t see him I'll end up even more lonely and pathetic than I already am. But again, I can’t tell him that. “I didn’t know that was an option. Whatever, I’m awake at that time anyway and you have food there.” I answer and eat the last rice cake there is left of my teokbokki. Mingyu just smiles a cheeky smile that seem slightly offended but more satisfied. 

I rinse out the container and put it in the dishwasher. “You should get some water, alcohol is soluble.” Instead I go over to Mingyu. Everyone else is in the living room anyway so what can a back-hug hurt. I slip my hands under his arms and around to his stomach, and lean my chin on his left shoulder, the one opposite of the door, just in case. Not that people in the dorm don’t know, they must’ve figured out, but I’m not ready to full out admit it yet. 

Mingyu stops his dumpling making for a second, surprised by my action. I also stop, but I hug tighter when he keeps cooking. It’s comfortable like this. I don’t know why I suddenly dared to, if it’s because I don’t see his face and can somehow convince myself it’s ok, or if it’s the alcohol, but I like it. Mingyu is just the right height for me as well, and it feels good to stand so close and warm, even though I'm already turning warmer because of the alcohol, and watching him shaping perfect dumplings with careful fingers. I am definitely tipsy. 

“I didn’t know you were this drunk already.” Mingyu chuckles. “I don’t act like this when I’m drunk, you know that. You just seem very boyfriend-y right now, don’t ruin it.” I whisper back, afraid someone, even Mingyu, will hear. “You’ve never used that word before.“ Mingyu teases and turns his head towards mine to look me in the eyes from a really weird position. But I keep looking down even though he stopped the dumpling process. When his fingers start working again and he’s done staring, I let go and take his glass of water into the living/bedroom again. 

“Wow, Wonwoo, you’ve put down the wine and found something better, I see.” Soonyoung says as I sit down next to him on the couch where he and Jihoon are watching some anime. “It’s water, not vodka.” I lift the glass towards him and send an are-you-proud-smile. He looks impressed, but then keeps watching his anime.


	2. There are two people in this relationship

It’s raining when the bell over the door of the small convenience store with no customers rings at 12:11AM Monday night and I step in. Hair dripping, and shoes soaked. Mingyu, as handsome as ever, looks surprised. I don’t blame him, not many people are willing to keep their friend, or boyfriend, I don’t know, company on their night shift. He is wearing a red hoodie and black jeans, and his hair is messy and curly, and he’s wearing his puppy smile. That stupid and real puppy smile that always makes me smile, at least on the inside, but this time on the outside too. “I didn’t think you’d actually come. Are you sober?” he jokes and walks over to me from behind the counter where he was almost sleeping before I came in. He hugs me, a hug in which I'm barely participating, but receive very well. “If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be able to walk here. “ I push him playfully, but he grabs my hand before losing balance. He takes the opportunity to lead me over to the counter where he walks behind, and I stay in front of. 

“You want anything?” he asks as if we’re playing like kids. “Not unless I can use your discount. “ I did bring enough cash for the night. Well, as much as a student can use at least. He nods and smiles in response, and I start looking around. I stop by the magazines to look at the stupid but entertaining celebrity and idol news. “Wow, did you know Taeyang from Bigbang got married?” I say enthusiastically in a sarcastic tone. Mingyu laughs. “Old news, hyung, the whole of Korea knew months ago.” 

I throw a bag of salt&vinegar chips and set a can of coke in front of Mingyu and give him my card. “Are your prices this high because you barely have any customers?” I take a stool and set it by the counter where I was standing. “Mhm, that’s also why we’re open at night.” Mingyu opens my can of coke. “But don’t start with the whole ‘get a new job’ thing, cause I've tried, and you know it.” And to that I just shrug and keep eating my chips. 

It goes quiet for a while until Mingyu breaks the silence in the worst way possible: “Hyung, do you think your drinking is a problem?” Why. Of all things he could say. I’m sick and tired of hearing how bad it is for me. I know, ok, but I'm legal and I can do whatever I want. “No, and it was worse before.” I keep my eyes on the chips to not glare Mingyu down. “Before me?” Mingyu stands up and I can feel him smiling at me. He does know those questions bother me, but he keeps asking. The alcohol ones, that is. “Keep dreaming.” I hiss giving up and glaring at him who's now sitting on the counter next to me. 

“Anyway, I was just wondering because I want to take you out somewhere sometime, and I don’t want a dinner date ruined for you because of something like that. But if it’s not a problem, the only problem is that you haven’t said yes yet.” Mingyu slyly states. I look up and meet his eyes. He looks happy with himself as if it was an amazing proposal. “I’m fine with these dates. Chips and coke are better than a sad piece of smoked salmon served with a squeeze of lemon and a glass of something way too expensive considering convenience store soju tastes better. And we can barely talk in there because there are so many people.” I say trying not to hurt his feelings, but probably failing. “Can’t you just do something for me this time?” Mingyu sighs. “How is you asking me out doing something for you?” I fail again. It’s not that I don’t want to go out to dinner with him, it’s just that it’s stupid to do something just because it’s something couples do, when what we do is enough for us. Or me, at least. “And I know you’re thinking I'm scared of being seen in public with you or something, but it’s not that.” 

Mingyu steps down from where he’s sitting and drags me up from my seat. His puppy smile disappears and the mood flips over in seconds. “I am not some insecure boy you’re screwing and have control over that does anything for you. But if you’re not gonna ask me out, I ask you out and all you have to say is yes and I'll be happy. So don’t come with your crappy excuses cause I can leave you if I want.“ Mingyu’s eyes are burning staring directly into mine, holding my shirt so I can’t just leave. “There are two people in this relationship. Two that can keep it going, and two that can end it. And I'm sorry if that just struck you.” Mingyu’s words bites at my pride. I’ve never seen him hiss up like this, not even when I wasn’t jealous enough for him. 

We just stare at each other for a while until Mingyu let’s go off my shirt and walks away. “You want me to leave? The store I mean.” I flatly ask. Looking over at how he frustratedly is standing leaned over the counter, back towards me. “No, are you gonna say yes?” he says with a voice low and hurt. “You’re a grown man, and you’re daydreaming about a perfect date with a boyfriend? I never even agreed to that. A back-hug doesn’t mean we’re suddenly exclusive.” It’s not like it’s easy for me to hurt him, but he pissed me off threatening me with leaving when he’s the one who started this in the first place. 

“It’s not your relationship, or thing, or whatever the fuck this is. I know you don’t mean this shit, but I am always the one who fixes and adjusts to you. And yet I am always the one to blame even when I’m the one who’s mad, and that is not fair. You don’t think that’s fair, but you can’t admit you’re at fault, so it doesn’t matter that it isn’t. You can leave. But this, I am not fixing it. If you’re gonna act like this thing is yours, then it’s your mess to clean up too.” He meant it. This isn’t just anger, it is something that really bothers him, and he is hurt. But somehow, I'm not convinced. How can he, after fixing it so many times, just leave it up to me? It doesn’t make sense. So, I leave. It hurts when I hear the door shut behind me. The rain on the way home cools me down, but when I come home, I drink ‘til I get knocked out. Mingyu's words going on repeat with each sip i take.


	3. When Reality Hits

_The_ _rest_ _of_ _the_ _week_ _is_ _weird_. _Mingyu_ _is_ _never_ _home_ , _neither_ _in_ _daytime_ _nor_ _at_ _night_. _I_ _don’t_ _walk_ _with_ _him_ _to_ _classes_ , _or_ _to_ _school_. _He_ _doesn’t_ _make_ _dinner_ _or_ _clean_ _my_ _bed_ , _or_ _even_ _sleeps_ _in_ _it_ _when_ _he’s_ _home_ _in_ _the_ _morning_ _after_ _his_ _night_ _shifts_ _when_ _the_ _rest_ _of_ _us_ _are_ _at_ _school_. _And_ _as_ _time_ _passes_ , _I_ _get_ _more_ _and_ _more_ _unsure_ _of_ _whether_ _he’ll_ _actually_ _break_ _and_ _apologize_ _and_ _slip_ _into_ _my_ _bed_ , _or_ _if_ _he_ _meant_ _it_. _It’s_ _only_ _when_ _he’s_ _done_ _with_ _the_ _night_ _shifts_ _and_ _starts_ _sleeping_ _in_ _his_ _own_ _bed_ _at_ _night_ , _I_ _realize_ _what_ _I've_ _done_.

“He meant it.” I drop into the couch next to Soonyoung and Seokmin. “He did?” Soonyoung is almost as shocked as me. “Yeah hyung, I told you, he is serious this time. And hurt.” Seokmin answers seriously. “Has he told you anything else?” I sigh. “Nothing that you don’t already know. But if you actually don’t care, you gotta tell him and not leave him confused like the last months.” I stare off into the air. I can’t even decide what to do. I do want to be with him or whatever, but why does everything need to be so formal and awkward. I liked how things were. “He asked you, obviously he does care. And I mean he never let me hold his hand like that, and we’ve been friends for years, he’s whipped.” Soonyoung answers Seokmin.

“Then what the hell do I do?” I haven’t touched alcohol since I realized, which Soonyoung said was a sign it wasn’t an addiction. I didn’t want to make it worse while being boozed up. “You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?” Seokmin carefully teases. “Shut the hell up, I'm not a monster.” I hiss back. Seokmin quiets for a while. “You gotta show him that you’re serious too, Wonwoo. If anything, at least show him that you appreciate him and show him clearly?” Soonyoung says and drags Seokmin from the couch so they can leave me to think alone.

Fuck. I do know what to do, but how do I do that without him getting serious and without all this commitment?

Then _he_ walks in. He is quiet. He doesn’t look at me. I haven’t seen him in ages, but the mood in the room is the same as the night at the convenience store. I look at him taking up pieces of laundry and cleaning around his bed but leaving mine a mess. I watch him stare at my bed as if I wasn’t there and I see that he feels hopeless. I see that he wants to care and help me, but he has decided not to, and he is sticking to it. But he speaks: “You need new bed sheets; red wine doesn’t come off in wash.” He keeps eyes away from my direction and walks out after I let out a “Mhm.”

Being alone with my conscience is suffocating. Debating on losing my ego or my boyfriend is hard because in some ways I have neither. I act tough but I am scared of almost everything that has to do with human contact and communication. I really need Mingyu but letting go of this act is hard and I am not used to being vulnerable. I don’t want Mingyu to feel responsible for me, my moods or my actions. I don’t want Mingyu to feel guilty when I have to say no to meeting his parents because it’s too mentally draining. I don’t want Mingyu to feel alone in a relationship, so I say it’s not one and excuse myself by saying it’s something we identify ourselves. Even when it is just my opinion. I step away from him for his sake, but I know it doesn’t seem like it. I wish he just knew cause... I want Mingyu. I need Mingyu, I don’t really have anyone else who cares for me just because they do. I live with twelve guys, but they are all closer to each other than to me. I have Soonyoung but he has other friends.

Mingyu has other friends but he prioritizes me. And that is selfish of me to misuse but I prioritize him too. In my weird ways. I don’t drink with him alone. I walk him to class and say my class is near even though it’s on the other side of campus. He doesn’t know. Then I leave early to let him get me after class in the same room he thought I was in. I let him think he’s doing everything a boyfriend should. And I'm sorry but I can’t get myself to tell him even when he believes he does it all. I always volunteer to go grocery shopping with him, so I get to be with him more, but I joke and say it’s to buy soju. I make him believe I don’t want to be seen as his boyfriend when the truth is that I just really want to be alone with and him only. I treasure every kiss and every hug but that’s cheesy and gross to admit so I don’t.

I care about Mingyu and I do wish we could just be in a comfortable relationship with normal terms and behavior but I’m not ready yet. I’m young and still learning to be comfortable to even speak to people so suddenly being close and intimate and having to overthink every action to not hurt the other is too much. I hurt a lot when Mingyu went on that date, but I told myself he couldn’t take the responsibility of my feelings because then I'd have to do the same.

I decide to call him. Yes, he is just in the other room, but he ignores me anyway. And- I'm a pussy ok, it’s scary face to face. Beep. Beep. “Hi, it’s Mingyu, leave a message if it’s urgent.” He hung up. I know he saw it. So, I call again. And again. And then suddenly: “What? If it’s so important just come to the kitchen, Wonwoo.” No honorifics. Not rudely said, but strict. “I-” I hesitate to continue. “I just thought you didn’t want to look at me, so I thought this could be more comfortable. For you.” I add on and feel the vulnerability kick my insides and making me sweat. “For me? This isn’t for me, it’s still for you, hyung.” And then the conversation is over. His voice got tensed up, but I can feel his pout through the phone.

He knows though. It was for me, and I realize that more and more now. I find all my selfish habits now that I don’t have him tolerating it. And I feel awful but it’s hard to lose habits. I want to become better and I want to become better for him. That’s not selfish. But... I need him in order to become a better me, but I guess that is then an act for myself as well. God, I don’t know. But I text him.

 **Me** : Tell me if I can do something for _you_ then.

 **Mingyu** : Figure out that yourself.

 **Me** : The least you can do is tell me what I can do to make this all better.

 **Mingyu** : No, the least I can do is accept that you can’t change, but I’m giving you a chance.

 **Mingyu** : So, fix it yourself.

 

That’s when I understand that there is no other way but playing his game. There is no other way than words and acts of kindness. So, I sit down and start planning my next week. The week I get Mingyu back. The week I get vulnerable and fix my ego. The week I listen to Mingyu and do what he wants for a change.


End file.
